The clocked ticked by and I wondered, was I being careful or was I afraid? Each moment seemed more deadly and yet fear held me back. The dread it caused can still be felt simply remembering. If life is a journey, every mountain will have a valley, and every valley has a way out. Problem was that I figured this valley was an endless cliff. I had plagued by sin that I wanted to be free from, but confession alone didn’t do the trick. Repentance seemed to have gone off my radar, and all I could think of was “I don’t feel God’s forgiveness.” I fell into a trap, surely God won’t forgive me… Even though I was a Christian, letting this seep in my thoughts for weeks on end left me to slowly die.
Looking back, I see how God had allowed me to be tested and sifted. It was so hard, I had been desperately seeking spiritual growth…and yet this struggle didn’t seem an option – not for the strong Christian I wanted to be. It literally came to a climax wherein I doubted my salvation, I didn’t see a way out. I was super depressed and yet I was still to scared to tell anyone! What could I do?!
Finally realizing my endless spiral of fear; I reminded myself that God has redeemed me so much, surely it would be worth the risk… to ask for help? So as I had been sitting in silence, I finally spoke up and told my older sister my situation, and humbly asked for help, I didn’t hide the fact I was really scared (I mean, it’s hard to when your sobbing too…. :/ ) Jenny, my trusted confidant was there too, and they spoke words of life to me. They wanted to help and encourage me, and all this time I was fearing condemnation they were only too willing to point me back to God’s truths.
Another point that she made was that, this struggle was a direct attack; as Christians, we have an enemy. Just because you are seeking to grow in the Lord and live righteously doesn’t mean that Satan will leave you alone. No, we are still living on the earth, and thus far he will do anything possible to destroy Christ. If Christ is in you, then you’ll definitely be a target.
“If the LORD delight in a man’s way, He makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with His hand.”
“…They will be protected forever.” ~ Psalms 37:23-24 & 28 ~
Have there been times that you’ve been sifted, wondering how your going to make it through? One word: Christ. One thing my Mom has always said was “So long as you feel convicted, that the Holy Spirit is speaking to you about it, then there is Hope!” What a blessing to come through that, and be even more firm in following Christ; and don’t be afraid to speak up to someone you trust, seek help from those older women in your life. There’s a good chance, they’ll have gone through the same struggle.
I hope your walk with Him is strengthened this week!